Friday, April 9, 2010

Argumentative essey #draft 1

Should the sale of junk food in school canteens be banned?

Generally, junk food is ‘any food that is perceived to be unhealthy and of low nutritional value’ (Family Journal 2005, p. 3). Lin Tran (2005) also agree with this, stating that consuming junk food such as chocolate bars, potato chips and sweets will raise the kilojoules intake and lead to obesity problem among children. Subsequently, demands that sale of junk food in school should be banned have been increased. Operators of school canteens, however, argue that the ban will erode their profitability as sale of junk food finance most of their income. A statistic released by School News (2005) shown that profit earned by Cook High School had decreased gradually after reducing the sale of junk food. Nonetheless, I strongly believe that sale of junk food in school should be banned because junk food brings health problems, changes children behaviors and leads to litter problem.

Firstly, the unhealthy consequences of consuming junk food are clearly noticed where childhood obesity problem is presenting an epidemic pattern in Australia. The fact that preferences of children toward junk food are increasing has been proven through a survey conducted by Australian Nutritional Journal (2004). The data shows that more than 50% of children consume food containing fat more than recommended intake. Paradoxically, less that 25% consume fruits and vegetables with recommended intake. By selling food that contain a lot sugar and fat, school canteens are obviously causing the increase in weight of youth (Reynolds 2005). Childhood obesity in future will lead to fatal diseases like heart diseases, osteoarthritis, and cancers. Besides, frequent consumption of soft drinks will decline the dental health of children.

Other than that, students’ behaviors are tending to be worsening due to over consume of junk food. Dr. Cray (2005) in the Food Shows claims that with the ease of availability of junk food in school, children cannot get the daily nutrients needed. This will retard their growth and development as well as their learning potential while triggering behavioral problems. There is no doubt that students’ eating habits on what they like to eat are determined at home. But sale of junk food in school canteens will add insult to injury where students will not be able to improve their habits. Once they can buy junk food easily from school canteens. They will be eating whenever they like without any consideration and it will affect their studies. Cancelling the unhealthy junk food from students’ diets can result in the improvement of their behaviors (Caputo 2005).

Another adverse effect of selling junk food in school is the litter problems generated. Junk food packaging which include cans, crisp packets, cartons and plastic containers will be thrown everywhere in the school by students. This indirectly contributes to the safety hazard to students (Family Journal 2005). It is absolutely true that increase litter problems will cause cleaning costs being pushed up while the image of school will also be affected. If the sale of junk food in school is being removed, school groundskeepers will be able to save time on cleaning the grounds while having additional time to do other maintenance projects (Green 2005). In short, banning the sale of junk food in school is beneficial as litter problems are being solved.

To conclude, sale of junk food in school will bring bad effects to both students and school where it prompts health, behavior as well as litter problems. A sports nutritionist, Adrian Cook (2005) says that junk food can be nutritious if children eat them with moderation. Hence, parents have to cooperate with school authority in educating children to eat and drink moderately. After all, sale of junk food in school ought to be banned.

3 comments:

  1. This essay starts off with a clear introductory sentence to define the term 'junk food'. Two-side argument has been illustrated to give readers a basic view of the situation. Statistics is included to further support the paragraph. The main idea of whether sales of junk food should be banned has been raised up. The thesis statement is clear and connected to all the topic sentences. Also, you have clearly stated you stance. Overall, the introductory paragraph is clear and well structured.

    The first body paragraph is mainly supported by the statistics, which I personally think that less focus should be given. The statistics shows "Foods Eaten at Home" but not foods eaten in schools canteens. Therefore, if it were to be used as your supporting details, it shows a bit contradiction where you are actually saying that foods eaten at home are unhealthy but how about eating in canteens? I suggest you can put less focus on this and use information from other texts to support the point better. The last sentence is not cited.

    The next paragraph has given convincing case where the sale of junk food in canteens should be banned to improve the eating habits of children other than at home. However, several ideas about behavioural problems have not been used to expand your paragraph. Try to draw more information from every text.

    The third body paragraph is well synthesised and paraphrased. The words "being" and "will" are used too frequent. The citation of Family Journal should be put after the next sentence because the next sentence also comes from the same source.

    The conclusion has summarised all the main points. However, the next two sentences seems like supporting the other side of argument. General suggestion should be given. Lastly, the stance is well restated.

    The grammar mistakes are:
    1. Lin Tran also agree[s], sale of junk food finance[s], a statistics released [shows], [has] decreased gradually
    2. Childhood obesity [will lead to... in future]
    3. tending to be [worsened], once they can buy junk food from canteens easily [,] [they] will be...
    4. to the safety hazard [of] students, true that increase[d] litter problems will..,

    Overall, all main ideas are included and information are drawn from all texts given. Appropriate transitions are used to connect the sentences and paragraphs.

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  2. in the first body paragraph, my interpretation is that students' habits on eating are determined at home. Thus, their eating habits in school will also be the same.
    in conclusion, i stated that junk food can be nutritious if consumed in moderation. it is true that health's problems will only caused by overconsumption.

    Anyway, thanks for your feedback^^
    i will do the corrections.

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  3. Good work! Detailed comments. Well done!!!

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